“My dad won’t talk about his past”

These are possible concerns to listen for, not explanations to assign to your parent. Use only the suggestions that fit, and let them skip any question.

“My life wasn’t interesting.” They may think a life story needs an unusual achievement. Try naming something you are curious about: “I’d like to know what you enjoyed about the neighborhood where you grew up.” An ordinary part of their day can be enough for a conversation.

“That’s private.” If they ask who will read or hear the result, answer that before asking for a story. Explain what you intend to do with it and let them choose limits you can keep. If they want no record at all, accept that.

“I’d rather leave that part alone.” A change of subject or a direct refusal is enough reason to move on. A memory may be painful, or involve someone else's privacy. You do not need to find out which. Thank them for telling you where to stop.

“I wouldn’t know what to say on camera.” Offer an ordinary conversation with the recording switched off. They can enjoy talking without agreeing to turn the conversation into a project.

“Why are you asking me this now?” Your request may sound like preparation for a death or a conversation about health or an estate. Explain your interest honestly: “I realized I know little about your first job, and I’d like to hear about it.” Keep health and financial decisions in their own conversations.

Before recording, discuss the audience. Your parent might be comfortable sharing a story with one named person, letting you record it for their own review, or keeping it private for a period they choose.

In a September 2026 Salt Lake Tribune column, Eli McCann describes an agreement his mother made with his great-grandfather, Glenn Lisle Hinkle. Hinkle initially declined to record his history. He later agreed on the condition that she tell no one about the recordings or share them with the extended family until after his death. She kept that promise and distributed the transcribed stories at his funeral. During their conversations, he also asked her to leave some passages unrecorded. Those remained private.

That was one family's arrangement. Ask what would suit yours. You could offer: “We can record this for you to listen to first. I’ll wait for your permission before anyone else hears it.” Make that offer only if you can keep it.

Write down the arrangement together. Name who will hold the recording, who may hear it, and when sharing is allowed. Include whether the same rules cover a transcript or a printed copy. Give your parent a copy so you can both check what you agreed.

Boston Public Library's oral-history guidance treats knowing how a recording will be used and stored as part of informed consent. Apply that to your setup: check who can open the folder or account before you put a private story there. Writing down a family promise does not change who can open a recording in an app. Check that its sharing settings let you keep the promise. If you cannot honor a requested limit, explain that before recording.

Choose something your parent already seems comfortable discussing. If they mention an old workplace, you might ask what their first day there was like. Their answer will tell you whether to ask more.

StoryCorps recommends sharing questions ahead of time and using them as a flexible guide. You could offer one question before a visit, giving your parent time to decide whether they want to answer it. A brief answer can be the whole conversation.

Our guides to questions for aging parents and questions to ask your father offer more starting points. Choose a question that suits their interests and leave the rest for another time.

If being filmed is the part they dislike, suggest audio or leave the recorder off. A camera adds decisions about appearance and where to look that an ordinary phone conversation avoids.

Ask where they would feel comfortable talking. That might be on a walk or while cooking together. If they choose to make a recording, find a quiet spot where you can hear each other; the Oral History Association recommends minimizing background noise and distractions.

A relaxed setting still calls for permission. Tell them when a recorder is running, and turn it off when they ask. If you hope to write notes afterward, ask about that too.

Your parent may prefer to tell a story to a grandchild, a friend, or an interviewer outside the family. Ask whom they would enjoy talking with before arranging anything.

Someone outside the family can ask about the background that relatives already assume they know. For some parents, that may make it easier to describe an experience in their own terms.

Carry their boundaries into the new conversation. Another listener should know which subjects are off limits and what your parent has agreed to record or share.

Ask before you record. Hiding a phone to catch a story takes away the choice you are asking them to make.

Avoid ultimatums, comparisons with more talkative relatives, or reminders about their age or health. Tell them what interests you without making them responsible for your disappointment.

Avoid returning to a declined subject with new wording. A rephrased question still takes them back to the place they chose not to go, and the Oral History Association asks interviewers to respect a refusal to discuss a subject.

You can say that you would enjoy hearing a story if they ever feel like sharing one, then let ordinary visits continue without another request.

You can write down your own memories and invite willing siblings or cousins to contribute theirs. Make clear whose recollection each account represents. Respect your parent's stated privacy boundaries when deciding what to share, including with other relatives.

If they have left the possibility open, you might revisit the idea another time. If they asked you to stop, the next move is theirs.

If your parent would welcome a different interviewer, Loristry's AI interviewer, Lori, can talk with them over an ordinary phone call, with no app to install. Explain who Lori is and ask whether they would like to try it before arranging a call.

Willing family members can contribute their own memories to the same biography. Ask them to focus on time they shared with your parent and respect what your parent wants to keep private.

The recording guidance draws on the Oral History Association's best practices, Boston Public Library's guide to informed consent, and StoryCorps' conversation tips. The McCann account is one family's experience, rather than evidence that a privacy agreement will change someone's mind. The suggested wording here is for you to adapt to your family.